I know that I am contradicting myself now with this latest entry. In the previous one, I said that I’d learn to love myself first.. I carried on saying more.. but now I’m going to tell you the exact opposite.. this just comes to show, to prove.. that I’m broken, I am beyond repair, I’d like to think otherwise, but the damage has been done.Looking back, i really can’t see where it all went wrong. I don’t know what I’ve done in the past  to have brought this upon me. I am constantly reviewing the same matter, over and over again, it really has affected me this much that I can’t even remember the last time I actually had a ‘goodnight’ sleep. I’d lie in bed every night, yawning.. oh trying ever so hard to sleep.. but the situation keeps lingering on my mind..  and as the hours crept by.. I’d finally fall asleep..  and at the break of dawn.. a so called ‘new day’ begins.. but with me.. it’s the same routine. It’s like re-living the same day, same scene, time and time again.

    A friend told me to just leave and return home.. sadly.. I, myself don’t even know where ‘home’ is anymore.. or even the fact that I don’t even know where my life is heading right now. I can’t just leave, I am doing well in college.. but still,  that does not mount up to this .. this dilemma.. this heartache. Vulnerability is the target attack! So u’ve attacked me.. and now you’ve won.

     I wish I could just drink myself away.. brush away the thoughts, erase the scar..

just become invisible. How can one be invisible, when one knows too many? The pain is just too much, it’s unbearable and who can one turn to, when truth is.. one can’t trust another? Why can’t one trust another? Did one just realize that now? That one has trust issues?  Oh why do I even bother.. it has been done, so be it, Just take me away, I’m sinking in deep.. this heart can no longer beat, in the same way as it did, lay me down to sleep, now walk away, just leave me there.. and let me rest in peace.

I hate it when this happens.. yup.. I have become my own worst enemy! I am constantly fretting over things that are not even THAT important. Or is it? I’m worried about my weight, hence I browsed through some of the utmost disgusting websites ever.. you’ve probably guessed it right.. anorexia! I am scared.. scared that I might end up going back to that old habit of mine. I’ll tell u why..  I use to starve myself because I wanted to slim down for this beauty pageant we KJ kids entered sometime around 2002. The idea of not consuming anything for several hours except for water really left me unstable and constantly caused me numerous difficulties especially with my sleeping pattern. I jarang tidur la.. and we all know what that does to us.. we become agitated, our blood pressure goes sky high.. we become paranoid, etc. I remember the time me late mate E and belle had to rush me to the UH because I was in agony.. I had this excruciating pain in me stomach.. I couldn’t  really move.. couldn’t even stand up so I basically had to push myself to crawl out of bed  to get to one of me mate. It was a horrific experience for me.. but somehow that didn’t stop me from continuing the eating disorder thing  that was slowly finding it’s place in my natural biological rhythm  or is system? .. in other words.. my body was refusing to accept any food intake due to the excessive self destructive starvation that had been going on for quite some time. So when orang time makan.. I didn’t feel hungry at all.. and when me mate forced me to eat.. I makan sikit je.. automatically not more than 5 minutes sure muntah balik.. n  no.. I did not provoke the whole ‘puking part’ .. that’s bulimia isn’t it? Anyway the next time it happened, lady , mark and the rest of the kj kids were in the house with me.. this time I had lady calling me dad all the way from Malacca asking him to rush to kl and  take me to the hospital..(there was a specific reason why I didn’t want to go in the ambulance.. but that’s a different story) .. alih2 my dad suruh lady bawak pi eh? .. I’m not sure.. but I ended up in yus’s car..and they took me to the a&e kat UH.. my uncle ,aunty ,my cousin and his girlfriend came down.. I cam dah takut gak la.. .at this point it was getting worse..  fortunately I wasn’t suffering in silence like these kids are today.. my friends knew about it.. and yes, they did their part in advising me and even telling me to go see a shrink. Yes, I’m a nut case. But the third and final draw was when I was in class back in the old LUCT.. oh my god.. malu sangat.. but that excruciating pain memang can not tahan one.. Aunty (one of the fashion lecturer) took me to kjmc..AND on the way aunty siap Tanya.. is this because of the drugs? Whether aunty was referring to crystal meth or biji I pun tatau.. but this time it got really  bad.. the Doctor  told me that I had to go for a scan and that It might be my kidney!! That was like a major wake-up call!.. I was then admitted.. but because  of the fact that I don’t like being in a hospital.. I told aunty to call my dad and for him to pick me up and take me to malacca’s medical centre.. dekat sikit with my house. Blood samples punya la banyak kena kasi.. but instead of going on about that.. let me just stress that that was my big wake-up call.. I mean can u imagine.. for a person who’s been depriving himself of the daily vitamins/minerals/proteins and so, not forgetting the fact that he’s always heading for the drugs 3 days in a row every week.. tak ke namanya menempah maut free free je?

    Teenage years of my life.. in fact since I was around 7.. I was very very active in school. I was an athlete back then running the track.. but my forte was the 80m / 110m hurdles! I was always slim and toned back then.. which kind of  explains why I have broad shoulders and muscles on me legs. Training mostly every week.. but as I grew older and became a proper teenager around 15 or 16 I think, I sort of slowed down on the training. At the time out of two boys I was the youngest one. I was offered to go to either one of these school ; kolej yayasan saad or  sekolah sukan bukit jalil but mummy didn’t want me to go..i don’t blame her for that.. I don’t think I would have been better off there anyway.. jantan sangat banyak ok .. and hey.. I’ve always known  I was gay ever since I was 7.. sexually active? Tok sah Tanya.. So in the end, when I finished high school.. mummy was still in england then.. my dad? Busy with his new career.. my brother? M.I.A .. and me? I was driving out to the mall everyday to go and get my mcdonals, my dave’s deli la basically every fast food because there was no one  around to cook for me. I pun malas masak masa tu.. maid tadak because we didn’t need one masa tu.. and i was also addicted to coke,mesti kena minum coke.. if not, i'll go all dizzy and funny.. i'd even lose me temper just like that if i don't have me coke.. so that’s where I started to gain weight.. that’s where it all went wrong!

 God knows my instincts are always telling me the right thing. I believe in it.. probably sometimes to the extent that it becomes like a way of life, to lead my life and MOSTLY make decisions based on my inner gut. Mia and lady my closest mates know this for a fact. It might not always be true.. however we know for a fact that most of the time it has sort of saved us and our friends from numerous even dangerous situations. Remember aman and josh with the accident around kj mia? Scary? I KNOW! We both knew something had happened, but neither of us uttered a single word because of how scary it was.. just by looking at each other in silence..we just knew..didnt we hun? Anyway.. This time around, I believe that a so called dear friend has got it all wrong.. Id say I feel sorry for this friend for not seeing me for the real me..but instead Im left with resentment and disappointment towards him. The lioness in me is about to explode, youve been warned!

Arians are seen as selfish when it comes to things that they want. It is noted that they do not seem to care of others. In a certain angle of perspective , depending on where your coming from.. it might be true. But god help me please, my REAL mates know or should I say SHOULD KNOW that I do not backstabbed another just to get what I want in life, let alone when it comes to a fucking guy! For gods sake I am not THAT LOW. I have always been the one who looks out for my friends best interest.. and at times because of this , I am mistakenly perceived as a busy body + nosy+bla bla bla. Lets ask my god sister Lady laurielle for instance; hun remember the time at cheras.. the fight and all.. didnt u get the wrong idea back then? You thought I was jealous n didnt want u to make friends with themetc? Until I broke down in tears and really told u why I did what I did .. as to save you from getting caught in the middle between the whole kj-cheras thingie? I was only looking out for you innit hun? Oh and mia what about that time when one of the kj kids sent azlan a text message just because he saw him dropping me off in his Hyundai car? Didnt I go berserk and called it off (apart from the drug thing from both of us) because I had trust issues back then? Ask these two good friends of mine, sisters even.. and I believe they have a lot to say about me.. BUT fcuking celah bed? not in my FCUKING book ok! So what of the time when I helped fara with her bf issues..isky and then heiqal.. does that Im into them too? What about alia b, I advised her about being confident this and that..and now shes with tara.. do u think Im into Alia or tara too? What about lea? I selalu marah dia nasihat dia for her own sake.. does that mean Im into her? Ok youd probably say because each and everyone of them arent gay..then back to lady and mia.. ask them again.. masa I ngan angah and abg danial dulu.. I tolong dia orang yang tak habis2 gadoh here and there.. was I into them ? ha lady? Choi!!

This dear friend of mine thinks that Im into his man? You have no idea how fcuking wrong you are.. why would I be interested in your man? Theyre like plenty of em scattered all over the place here in the UK..why would I be desperate enough to pursue someone whos not even here, whos thousands of miles across the fcuking globe? I dont go hunting for men ANYMORE.. ok so fine, i use to..but when I left kl and went back to Malacca for a year (before coming here)..i gave up on em.. you see not everyone needs a man in their life.. BUT I DO NEED MY FRIENDS.. sadly NOT all of you feel the same way as I do (or maybe just you). Just to set the record straight kidda, I didnt even add him onto my profile..he DID so himself.. he even added me way before he added you or u adding him, whichever way around, I really dont give a damn.. because I am not into your man. n.fcuking hell for heavens sake.. its ONLY cyber..anyway, incase u need reassurance about him adding me yadi yadi yada.. I have the message to prove it to you. Ask yourself one thing tho.. if paris is really into this fella, how come paris is not constantly messaging him? U ols sendiri tau what the script was like when I was crazy with ali dulu.. angau la senang citer.. ok fine, he wasnt crazy over me.. but thats what Im like.. if I like someone..as in really really like someone.. I keep on going for the fella no matter what.. there was no romance between us but I sort of got what I wanted.. friendship! And trust me, that is more than enough. I dont want to go mental just because of a guy.. why should I? AND why should you?

I have had just about enough of this shit .. and you know what.. Its my fault.. my fault for being so caring. I guess I should really leave it as it is.. let you or anyone else for that matter experience it for yourselves. If things go haywire and all rough and shit.. too bad, but youll learn from your own mistakes. I on the other hand.. dont really care.. The thing that I would normally dread the most is if one of my mates end up committing suicide.. funny? To u maybe.. but as they say.. its better to be safe than to be sorry..but now? Hmm.. you should trust your friends more than a stranger..but all I got to say is ..FCUK ALL!

so what if your not a hot stuff? Is the world coming to an end just because your not accepted as one,or not seen as one? Why bother TOO MUCH of what other's think? If your a hot stuff,your a hot stuff la.. if your not, then you're not la.. it doesn't even matter.. guys/girls are going to notice you, for the REAL you.. ok,so what if only one or two that notices you, don't you think it's best to be love by 3 great friends and one super understanding and honest boy/girl friend, than to have 5 fcuking hundred FAKE friends and a SUPER mega 100% FAKE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? i trust all of ya's are wise enough to figure that one out, so go figure! Be yourself, be nice to people, and they'll be nice to you.. make REAL friends along the way AND make note to always APPRECIATE them as well.. karma kids.. what goes around comes around.. as simple as that!
p/s:
+Don't sell yourself short, u ain't THAT cheap now are you?
+ Be yourself kidda, this time around turn that beat up.. be even better but still be YOU.

It's the eve of Christmas  and everyone's just busy getting their last preparations ready. Mothers finishing up decorations (for the ones who were so lazy to do so like 2 weeks ago),Family buying last minute key ingredients for the Christmas dinner, Presents that are still not wrapped, etc. It’s not like I’m celebrating it or anything. No, not because I don’t want to.. but simply because mummy’s not here, plus what would chrismas be like when it’s only me, and me alone celebrating it.  However, one of me aunt’ has invited me over to celebrate it with them. Even a friend of mine, sera..  had invited me over to spend Christmas with them. I on the other hand, think it is not wise for me to do so.. only because this is a time to be spent with family members, the gathering, the whole re-bonding and so forth.. wouldn’t want to be in their way now would we? lol

    I asked my cousin deen, whether it is wrong for muslims to be celebrating Christmas.. and he said that it’s ok as long as you don’t celebrate it the way Christians do. He said something about not the Christmas tree (which my guess would be the pine tree). He said that on the day of reckoning, every living thing will be able to talk except for the pine tree. Somehow that’s where the ‘bad guys’ will be hiding , behind that tree. Then he just said he doesn’t care..(OBVIOUSLY).. he’s celebrating it with his girlfriend..err.. what’s her name again.. aha, Jordan! 

   Oh, our little adam’s birthday is on Christmas day itself. Sucks?I know, BIG TIME! So uncle alan and tricia celebrated his birthday two weeks ago. So he has already received tons of presents then..and tomorrow he’ll be getting even more! Bless him!

<img src="http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a363/babeparis/babies6.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

    Do you guys have your own Christmas song? What i mean is a song, or the songs that you like most? Well I do, and I’d like to share it with you. The first one, is “Mary’s Boy Child” by Three degrees. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get that version on me comp.. so I got boney m’s instead.

<a href='http://media.putfile.com/Boney-M---Marys-Boy-Child----Oh-My-Lord98'>Click here to watch 'Boney-M---Marys-Boy-Child----Oh-My-Lord98'</a> 

And the next one is ‘The First Noel’ by Mario Lanza

<a href='http://media.putfile.com/Mario-Lanza---Christmas-Hymns-And-Carols---04---The-First-Noel'>Click here to watch 'Mario-Lanza---Christmas-Hymns-And-Carols---04---The-First-Noel'</a>

   Now, I’m done.. so before I go, I’d like to wish everyone..MERRY CHRISTMAS.. and incase I don’t write again (which is almost a definite statement there)..have a happy new year too.